Bwahahahaha!!!!

Years ago I discovered a weakness, and I would wait, bide my time, to exploit it. Oh, yes. Stress, illness... these things made the time ripe.

I cruised the internet, seeking the perfect equipment for the task at hand.

"How's this one," I would query my prey, knowing eventually she would give in.

And she has.

Yesterday, we bought a piano.

Piano Man

I haven't done this in a while... ever on this blog, so here goes:

This one's for all the sexy people in the house!

(To the tune of Offspring's eternally good "Self Esteem")

I had an interview, tenth one today
And practiced all the things I had to say
But got passed over
worked my last nerve
went to my cubicle, cried til it hurt.
I feel like I'm being used
That's okay cause I've got no self esteem

I work hard deep into the night
I stop at 2 then I turn out the light
And this rejection's got me so low
I'd quit tomorrow but I can't seem to go.

When we do lunch and the boss rolls some heads
then she wonders why she doesn't have friends
We laugh out loud and bang on our knees
She tells us slackers to pull up our end
Well I guess we should pick up more elves
To magic the work she gave us today.


The more you suffer
The less it shows you really work.
Right?
(Yeah yeah yeah)

Now I'll relate this a little bit
That happens more than I'd like to admit
Five p.m. and she knocks on my door
Past deadline and she's gonna roar.

Now I know I gotta kiss feet
So my family doesn't live on the street
I may be hosed
But I'm not a feeb
I'm just a worker with no self esteem.

Spoiling my kids

'kay, so we're at dinner talking casually and the subject of "Star Wars" comes up. It's a long meander around some of the disappointments and joys of the series and considers many points of meaning and where they might point to. Ultrason, being interested in the deep meanings behind such things jumps in, and awaaaaay we go.

Until I mention that Anakin becomes Darth Vader. Dogs howl in the background as Ultrason goes wide-eyed:

"He DOES?"

How have I raised a child that doesn't know that, I ask you? I took that boy to see the newly released Trilogy on opening night... a child that knew "lightsabre" before he spoke "mama". It boggles the mind.

Right, well I better start working on "Dune," then. No way am I having my kid ask me about Atreides lineage after "Dune Messiah" is released.

And he will repeat the "fear is the mind killer" soliloquy before he reaches 12. dangit.

Strippers!

My wife recently applied for a promotion, because no one thought of her. I've seen her at work, and I can at least compare her to the other people in her office.

She rocks!

They turned her down, saying that they'd redefined the position. What they want is a PR guy that's tech savvy, instead of an editor. What this means is that the actual editors will have more work.

Oh, and they (the head honchoes) will be "looking at overinflated titles."

The fine people at this company froze raises for people with salaries under 50 grand a year a few years back, holding that in place until well after Folio reported that salaries were going up. They've continually lost people/fired them and refuse to make up lost ground.

The publisher/company calls editors of the magazines "a drain on profit," similar to the janitorial staff, only worse. The workload has increased by something close to 300% from what it started as. Originally they (the owning company) claimed that they wouldn't alter "corporate culture" and then went about mucking with every last damn element thereof (when was the last Christmas party, I wonder?).

And now they want to strip the editors of one of the few things they might have a little pride in.

The current President of the company once said something that has kept us from losing our sanity, "it looks good on a resume."

Now it won't even do that.

Congratulations on wasting about 10 years of your life.

Worse, under our current circumstances we can't move. My wife can't get a new job elsewhere. We're stuck.

There is a word that rhymes, which I feel about sums it up:

Duck.

Important

I believe that everyone is basically good.

Everyone.

Some people are misguided as to what it means to be good, but this can be overcome.

Raising Caine

I live with the possibility, however remote, that one of my children that has been exposed to a molester now might harbor an interest in his brothers beyond what is healthy.

This, of course, sucks. It riddles bedtime with opportunities, bathtime becomes trauma, and waking up an exercise in caution and alertness.

I want openness and honesty and fun, damn it.

G.I. Whoa!

When I was a kid, the 12 inch G.I. Joe wasn't on shelves... I think. But friends of mine had some. The fuzz on his noggin made him look like he was fresh from boot, and his muscles... well, he didn't have any. He made Ken look studly from the musculature perspective. He didn't even have the pecs of Ken.

A few years back my son received one of the more recent G.I. Joes. His fuzz has been replaced with plastic hair (molded as part of his noggin), which makes me think that he's got more in common than Ken now.

Nope. Dude is ripped. Try not to ask yourself why I'm checking out Joe's pecs and focus on the message: G.I. Joe actually looks like someone you don't wanna mess with.

The .45 helps with that, though.

Sweet Mary on a Pogo Stick!

This could be the start of something big.

And all this time I've been concerned about batteries. >slaps self<

Feel the love

Ask me why I love visiting Steve Jackson Games and I might point to the Fnorder:

You are the 3738th interstellar sex god here today

Of course, sometimes it tells me I'm looking for naked elf gifs, but what can one expect from an interstellar sex god?

Vampire vs. Jedi

Well, no. This isn't a post about them opposing each other. Let me start by saying this:

"Vampire: the Masquerade: Bloodlines" is a good game. It entertains and permits paths other than violence (most of the time) toward the ending. Walk-thrus have to be pretty broad ("defeat this opponent" not "sever the head" type instructions). Compared to the litany of fantasy CRPGs that are so thoroughly combat oriented as to not permit you passed certain doors without defeating what amounts to a level boss... well.

"Revenge of the Sith," may well be a good movie, as many reviewers have stated, but I find that the first movie crippled what little I could enjoy of the second movie, which has thoroughly corrupted the possibility of my enjoying the third.

Yeah, I loved saying that.

The first trilogy was focused, the dialogue believable (inside its... idiom), and the characters enjoyable. You couldn't help but like it. It swaggered the same way Han Solo did, but enjoyed an enviable innocence.

Not so the next 3.

I might eventually see Sith, but it won't be an effort on my part.

bo beme, banana-fana-fo feme

3 names you go by (that won't give away my identity):
Daddy
Robert Brown
Dirk

3 screennames you've had:
Dot
Dante
Dirk

3 physical things you like about yourself:
My butt
My boniness
My nose

3 physical things you dislike about yourself:
The weight I've gained
Poor eyesight
Aches in some of my bones

3 parts of your heritage:
Scottish
Cherokee
German

3 things you are wearing right now:
Pants
Shirt
Glasses

3 favorite bands / musical artists:
"Weird Al" Yankovic
Bare Naked Ladies
Chuck Berry


3 favorite songs:
"Johnny B. Goode"
"If I had a Million Dollars"
"Hardware Store"

3 things you want in a relationship:
Love
Trust
Respect

3 physical things about the preferred sex that appeals to you:
Eyes
Ankles
Boobies

3 of your favorite hobbies:
Reading
Gaming
Contemplating my navel

3 things you want to do really badly right now:
Lose weight
Have sex
Write a novel.

3 things that scare you:
The constant failing of mankind to live up to its potential and the likely results
That stuff between my toes
Stupid drivers.

3 of your everyday essentials:
Water
Book
Food

3 careers you have considered or are considering:
Lawyer
Teacher
Air Force Analyst

3 places you want to go on vacation:
Germany
England
Thailand
Egypt
Australia (very briefly)

3 kids' names you like:
Liam
Darth
Bator

3 things you want to do before you die:
Have sex again.
Write a novel
Have a positive effect on the world

3 ways you are stereotypically a boy: (uh...I'm just taking a shot in the dark here. Are these guy things? I guess I don't get guys enough to know what "guy things" would be right off hand)
I'm difficult to offend
I think South Park is funny
I want to have sex... again.

3 ways you are stereotypically a chick:
I'm nurturing
I'm intelligent
Somebody else better fix my car... what if I bend over alot?
I like to bake bread.

Food for thought

A friend of mine used to frequently say, "salad is not food. Salad feeds food."

This statement is not wholely correct. The human body cannot digest food without assistance... it simply does not have the ability by its lonesome to do so. Salad passes through the stomach, becoming a mash, which further enters the duodenum and intestines, where the mash is ravaged by microorganisms that can digest plant matter. The nutrients we digest aren't used by those organisms, who excrete what we then assimilate.

Symbiosis is a beautiful thing.

Ed

My first exposure to RPGs, the games... not the rockets, was first edition AD&D. And so it shall probably be with Ultrason, who I've managed to convince on the grounds that I have a lot more stuff on it.

Thing is, it's been about 20 years since I played, so I've got to relearn some of the system. I've been reading the PHB when I ran across a bit in the equipment section that said Wizards could start wielding two-handed swords at level 2 if they wanted.

Crap.

Wish I'd known that back in the day. Nobody I knew played with the weapon proficiencies set into the game, which means that wizards had their butts handed to them on a regular basis, up until level 5.

I know that most of you don't care about this, but it's kind of like finding out that in the edition of Monopoly you had as a kid loans were encouraged, but nobody played with them.

Kudzu

Kudzu, the plant, is the Samuel L. Jackson of the plant world. "Hand me my chlorophyll," it'll say, "it's the one that says 'bad mutha' on it." In the South it's unavoidable. Whole forests are landscaped in Kudzu, Kudzu reclines in the living rooms, and slow moving cars are gangraped by the stuff.

But now it might be up against a more serious opponent than ever before.

CNN reports that you can get a buzz from it.

Most of the article seems ludicrous. Having Whiskey around has never prevented people from being heavy drinkers, so it's unlikely that anyone will cut back after rolling some Kudzu.

And, yeah, I'm thinking that once people find out you can get a buzz from this plant, it's unlikely that it will remain safe from the axes of crazed drug users. And I don't want the FDA or the ATF getting involved.

I'll grant that drug use is bad, but Kudzu hurts something fierce. It grows fast and aggressively kills other plants, crippling the South's ability to grow pretty much anything. From an economic standpoint, killing off Kudzu would be a boon of untold value... confining just a few samples to the CDC labs for study on viral growth.

On the other hand, it explains why southern squirrels act different than others.

Rub-a-dub-dub...

Wierdness, that they sell toothbrushes with rubber bits on the head. It's like brushing your teeth with a condom.

Which doesn't stop me, but some people are opposed.

Never tell me the odds!

I've heard alot of naysaying about the conflict/situation in Iraq, but I'd like to say that the headlines could represent things more acurately. This article kicks off by saying that Americans are dead, something that is important to other Americans, I imagine. But it doesn't say anything about the 120+ insurgents that suffered the same fate. What if those insurgents have family in the U.S.? Or simply people routing for them (as I know some are)? Heck, the press has pushed for that kind of atmosphere... they should support it.

At any rate, when the odds are 12:1 in your favor, Jimmy the Greek says to play them odds.

The Art

Not long ago it was suggested that, in the future, my wife and I might play an online game of "Ars Magica". The problem is that, within my research, I've yet to locate a community for it.

Yahoogroups: Dead
RPGOnline: Nada
Google: What?

It's not that none have ever existed. Yahoo gives something like 64 games. All from the distant past, these games are no longer active.

This requires more thought, and research.

Thoughts?

I'm not dead yet!

I owe an apology to Chuck Berry. He's not dead. He's old enough to be dead, but he's still rockin'.

When he does die, I'm most certain they'll bury him next to Beethoven, just for the hell of it.

Taking the "meh" out of men.

Read this now!

Siths in Toyland

Superson cried when he didn't have time to take the recycle down to the curb today. He was reassured that we'd return home shortly and he'd have a chance. There was just a quick stop at the store between him and it.

A few nights ago my wife and I were discussing Sith when our youngest passed us making respirator noises. Since he's never seen any of those movies, it's impressive. Most impressive. But it was only a shadow of his obsession.

Today Superson, while we were at the store, asked to see the Hot Wheels* section so that he might consider which one he'll get this week, which seemed reasonable. We make the visit with no incident, even passing some Legos without crying**, until we hit the "Star Wars" aisle.

"May I see a lightsabre," inquires Superson with prim elocution, and how can one say 'no' to that? I hand one to him for inspection. The youngest leans and grunts, indicating that it would be only fair if he is permitted the same. I hand it over to him.

The youngest makes lightsabre noises (you know the ones). Naturally they both start leaning out of the buggy and trying to cut apart everything in sight. It was really fun. If nothing else, it's those kinds of moments where I actually want to thank Lucas for releasing new flicks. They may suck, but the toys really bring back childhood.

We went all over the store, causing havoc, cutting into displays, and threatening teenagers*** with imminent death. It was, truly magnificent. We kept it up for the better part of an hour. Then I cruised over to the pharmacy, where sick people got euthenized free of charge, and then to the checkout.

I had no intention of paying for those things. At $7 a piece they were outside of my budget. I'm doing good to get them that dollar car every week. Superson was easily disarmed with a wrenching movement, but I foolishly alerted the youngest to my intentions. He held back the handle and pointed the blade at me, a look of grim determination^ on his face.

I look squarely at him, "so be it... Jedi."

Vicious tickling commences, the closest thing a dad has to force lightning (I can even tickle without touching). Finally, he drops the weapon, which is snatched up and handed to the cashier for disposal.

We leave, my youngest screaming. Now I know why Luke was such a whiner.

*My parents introduced the "Johnny Lightning" line of cars, and I must say that I'm hooked. Dang things are 3 times as expensive as Hot Wheels, but actually feature cars with fins and stuff. The classics. This month's vehicle of of choice is either the '82 corvette or the '69 mustang, I can't decide.

**Although there is a moment of curiosity over the Mr. Fantastic figure (also known as a repainted Stretch Armstrong).

***Don't these kids have anything better to do than hang out at Wal-mart on a friggin' Monday morning? Go to class? Work? Sleep in?

^He even had the green "Yoda" special. I love my kids!

Change of address:

I'm thinking of altering the address of this blog to something resembling the name of it (wtf.blogspot.com or Whiskey.blogspot.com or somesuch), but I'm calling out for ideas.

Also, Chuck Berry rocks from beyond the grave. The dude is still cool.

Is tiddley-winks okay?

I have to respect the decisions of other parents regarding their own children. And, as part of that, I must seek out opinions on things that might even remotely be "iffy."

So, my oldest wants to start RPing, and he hands me a list of phone numbers for his friends. I call up parents and ask if this is an acceptable activity for their child.

I kinda laughed with the first one with a, "what kind of a nut gets bent out of shape over a GAME?"

Indeed. This did not prepare me for the second call.

"We don't agree with letting our child play THOSE games."

My response was, "we'll respect that. Thank you for your time." And I hung up.

But my impulse was to ask, "why?" and hit the poor woman with a hundred questions that I already new answers to. Whatever her reasons, she's probably wrong. If I had been inviting her to a game, I most assuredly would've followed my impulse.

Not that I'd let her into one of my games with a poor attitude like that.

More than famous...

So, while I was in the AF, right there at the end, I decided to have as many psychologoical tests as I could. It was a way to kill time, and officially went under "medical" for reasons to leave.

I scored "pretty dang smart" on the I.Q. test, which kind of figures. I'm also easily distracted, a problem I'm going to have to work on, and something that explains my lack of achievement. That and being unmotivateable for 6-8 years of my life.

But they also tested my sanity, using a wide range of tests. My wife, just this evening, mentioned that most people believe that I'm a tad unusual. My H.S. pretty much voted me "weirder than Al".

So what was the result?

"More than sane." I wouldn't quite go as far as "super-sane" or anything, but certainly out beyond normal sanity. Most people's brains trip little wires when the stress gets too much, and they black out, or enter denial, or something.

Then again, this was a military psych test. I can easily see them saying, "you're well grounded, soldier! Go out there and win one for the Gipper!"

Like goldfish...

My dice collection started modestly enough. Two tens and a few 6-siders. I wound up with an ugly twenty sider. Suddenly, I had to have them all.

And my dice collection grew to the size of one Crown Royal bag (the standard unit of dice collection measurements). Then I split up the collections into two bags, one for travel and one for backups. The one for travel swelled, until it could no longer hold all of my dice. So I bought another bag.

When I hit Hawaii those things took up more than a gallon worth of space. Really. And I acquired more once I put them in a container that just had a little bit of space up top.

The things are like tribbles.

I put them in storage, in a box, 8 months or so ago. Sure, there was a little room, but not much. When I opened it this month, there was not enough room for air in there. Aren't these packages supposed to settle?

Dang.

Doing the math...

I looked up and saw a banner ad that said "better first dates. More second dates."

While that first bit sounds good, the second bit got me thinking: doesn't that imply a decline of 3rd and 4th dates? Does this actually sound like a good thing? "Better first dates, more second dates ending with a slap in the face!"

Whatever turns your crank.