Good evening...

Tonight me and the Mrs. stepped out with the two little ones (the oldest opted to stay at home and do his homework... a wise choice). It was cold, but very fun. The youngest displayed an amazing fear of dogs. Big dogs, little dogs, black and white dogs... and there was one house that he wouldn't go near unless I carried him. Even then he was very nervous (there were spooky noises and, were I him, I'd be scared too).

But, overall, I think the kids had a mess of fun, and they made out like bandits.

(More cuteness abounds, but you should see my wife's blog for details).

Our front porchlight was out, and we forgot to light the pumpkins, so not many people stopped by. Looks like we'll have to eat our candy all by ourselves. Darn it.

On the job front, I've discovered that Colleges and Universities are largely useless in the pursuit. I'm still trying, and they have guidebooks that I haven't utilized yet, but I'm not optimistic. I've had to withdraw from college for the semester (for reasons that are probably obvious), but I've put in for next semester and only have 20 HOURS left to go. Not 2 years. Not even, really, one year. If I were to go full time, I'd be done in 2 semesters (spring and summer). If I get a full-time job (which is most likely), it will probably take me between 3-4 years (3 credits per semester). I'm not really happy about that span, but I understand that we need income, and a full-time job actually offers that.

>sigh<

My wife

She who is married to me is the definition of womanhood. All that a woman should be, she embodies. Her heart shines with all of the qualities that I could ask for.

I love my wife.

Woohoo!

Got a date with my wife! These things are far too rare. By far.

Before I go...

Well, I have managed to struggle past some of the new security features over at Monster board, overcome the challenges of reviving some very old accounts, and have even managed to put in for a few jobs. Today hasn't been a total waste on that front. I think the job center has a fax machine, but they haven't let me use it yet.

Next time, Gadget! Next tiiiiiime!

Grrr...

It's like nothing got done today. I'm probably going to wind up taking the apartment (since I've not heard back from the friends I called), but everything else has been rather... most people asked me to come back at another time. Haircut is impending (11 am tomorrow). Job appointment has been put off until next week. I haunted Monster and Career without seeing anything interesting. My resume got a pretty good update, but I've passed it on to my wife for final approval (how much can I trust myself to have good judgement? I don't know, so I'm going to rely on her a bit.)

I've done a bit of running around, but next to jack-all has gotten the "Passed" stamp on it. Could probably use a planner, but I don't know if I'd actually write stuff down in it.

2nd day...

I'm still wired and trying to get stuff done. I tell you that most other people on campus are deterents to that goal. I'm still trying to finish my resume and every twit walking past tells me what I'm doing wrong. I give a 5 minute lecture on how my awesome wife assisted in the development of it and I'm just going to assume that she got it right (for reasons I list off, like writing for several years and knowing more about format and development of written communication than... well, anyone else).

If you've never heard it before...

I'm getting an apartment tomorrow. I have no desire to do so, but my hand (as well as my butt) has been forced. My friend has company coming and the only other people to offer me a place... I can't stay with them.

I could freeze, but that goes the Uncle Damien route (maybe. The guy used to tell us how self-sacrificing he was, but I've talked to his kids and I'm not sure). I don't want to disappear in a cloud of rumor and disdain. Blech.

My place is on hold for me, I just need to go get the keys and move in. Wish I could remember what all else I'm doing today and tomorrow.

Friday: Date with Scone. I haven't forgotten that.

Oh, the Humanity!

I'm a liberal arts student as of today. It, sadly, does not allow me to graduate immediately (still working on that), but the classes are all less taxing, more interesting, available online, and something that I can talk to my wife about.

The point at which I turned to my wife to discuss ideas and... well, she disagreed with my professors a lot. And I was forced to take their side (I asked about stuff in class, but ultimately had to relent).

I'll have an address tomorrow and a large influx of emergency back-up funds. It might just see me through. I hate having to pay rent, though.

I was recently reminded of my uncle, Damien. Damien had a wife and kids and then pretty much gave it away. From his side of things he said he was giving everything back to the kids and wife, but the state of Texas begs to differ. Regardless, the guy always looked like a dirt bag and didn't take care of himself at all. It hurt him and us.

Nobody knows where uncle Damien is now, and only a handful of people care.

I don't want to be him.

Sometimes...

Working the theater job was mostly grumbly because of customers. I really don't think the job itself was evil, nor the people (save the one insane drug addict). But it does seem to have a certain mindset to it that got worse when the newest manager took over: "Keep working!" >whipcrack<

I'll tell you something that I haven't told anybody yet. It's really not harmful in itself, and I don't know why I didn't bring it up with the Mrs., who deserved to know these things, but:

After shows or work I walked women to their cars or, on two occassions, homes, to make sure they arrived safely. Sometimes this took me a good distance from the car and increased the amount of time I was out. To be honest the night air felt good.

This does not excuse me, nor should I have done it. There are plenty of campus services that deal with that sort of thing, and the amount of time away from my family was hurtful.

On the meds...

Whoo! I'm not sure whether hyper was listed on the possible side-effects, or even whether it isn't just psychosomatic, but I'm running hard until I crash. Tell you what, though... I feel better.

Maybe it's knowing that there's hope for getting a handle on the situation. I really can't describe how awful I've been feeling (I still feel pretty bad, but it's not that bad.

There's a relative clarity that comes with it. Observe:

My friend, the one I'm occupying space with, says that I cannot occupy space with him for much longer. A few days, perhaps.

Another friend, a married woman with relationship problems, offers me her couch as a place to stay. During the dark times I probably would've said "sure, whatever." Now, I can look at that and see problems galore for a single man, let alone one in my current position.

Response? "Ummmm no."

I may have to take the college up on a dorm room, much as I despise the idea. I realize that my wife wants to make sure I'm okay to be back with the kids, but I also hope to shorten the time frame as much as possible. It makes gauging whether to take on a years lease kinda problematic. The school goes on a month by month basis, but I don't know whether she'll feel okay with me by Christmas (I really hope so, though... that one's going to be tough if I'm in no man's land.)

Another note on the band I've been running with. They did, apparently, start a suicide watch of sorts regarding me. I guess everyone knew I was depressed but me.

The only side effect I've noticed today is my eyeballs getting jiggly in the sockets (and possible hyperness). The rest of the stuff (headache, lethargy, etc.) was normal before.

Oy!

I'd forgotten how much time bus travel takes! Holy crud! And the people are still about as scuzzy. Some of them are alright, but every body who takes the bus has a bad hair day before they get on.

My CS instructor, mini-bill, turns out to be a decent fellow (if a little pre-occupied with the fear that I might commit suicide). He's going to press for an "I" in the class with the department head, and he thinks it's reasonable. I haven't spoken to the other instructors, but I'm looking at the same path, I think.

I think everything took about 4 hours. They moved the Wal-Mart further south than I'd anticipated, making getting the drugs a bit of a challenge.

Depression: the old Black

(Or: I see a red door and I want to paint it blue)

I get to take medication soon! My understanding is that the effects will be somewhat drastic until my body gets used to it, but one of the items on the list was that I would constantly be saying what's on my mind without a filter!

I'm surprised people aren't in line to find out what the results of this will be.

Rumour has it that there's a fast-track to determining depression (getting diagnosed) here on Grackle State campus, so I'll be trying to find that so my instructors become a bit more foregiving.

Facing the problem...

Until all of the recent events, I was barely aware of how badly I was treating my wife and kids. Arguably, I was barely aware. Then Mrs. Charlie suggested that I might be depressed after I mentioned suicidal thoughts the first time we spoke after... well, after things came to a head between us.

Friends confirmed this, but I'm totally in her hands regarding these things... I trust her completely. I feel much better, and I haven't managed to get the medication yet. I have managed to get counseling (both from my wife and from a counselor), and that has been life-changing. I've started trying to remove stressors from my life as well, and bad influences. Both efforts have proven fruitful and I'm much more clear headed than I was. I realize that I'm not 100% right now, but I have enough faculties to REALIZE that.

On a side note, I took a ride with my wife yesterday and cried like... well, I left snot all over the trim on her coat. I felt bad about that, but the crying was also very therapeutic. I know that we're in a rough spot right now, but I'm making every effort to come back and the support she's giving is beautiful. A lesser woman would have turned her back on me and let me sink. I would've deserved it.

My wife is the most wonderful woman ever. I know that with her we can be everything, and without her I am nothing. I need her in my life and will do everything and anything to get back what I've lost.

Whoops!

Forgot to post whether or not I'd be willing to turn to the LDS church for help. I think I've made it clear elsewhere, but I'm willing to do anything to right the wrongs. Stick my hand in lava, if need be.

Facing religion again

Many resources that have pointed out for me to deal with my issues have been within the LDS church, a church that... well, my recent history hasn't been sterling on many people's counts.

1) Pressure: I'm going to claim that, yes, there was pressure for me to join said church, but I generated it by attending every Sunday, watching people who seemed genuinely happy wander around the halls and remembering my youth and often feeling that way amongst family.

2) That small still voice: I'm not sure what it was, but I did feel something that said: "It's time. Join." That same voice told me that it needed to end, so I'm not sure what to make of that.

3) Hiding my efforts: Odd, I know, but no one actually saw me reading the BoM or anything. My prayers were kept completely confidential... that was probably stupid of me. If my wife knew I was making sincere efforts, she probably wouldn't have thought so little of me when I decided to drop out. Towards the end I was reading behind the stage curtain separating the priesthood meeting and the stage where the room holding my youngest was. It was probably the most intense period of reading I'd done in a while.

4) The hell: Later people would ask why I had joined, since I had clearly not been cut out for it from the beginning. Well, I joined because I'd felt that "ping" of desire that I assumed meant something. Why didn't people with doubts actually say something directly to me?

Why am I bringing this up now? Well, I feel that communication is going to be much more important in the future than I felt it was in the past. There was a point at which my wife and I only communicated via Blog, and then I stopped posting and stopped reading. Bad stuff happened. Maybe I can work backward through the process.

Dear Lord...

She's right, of course. I've been an ass.

This isn't who I was, this isn't who I want to be. If there is any hope... any hope. I'll take it.

I've been blinded to the beauty and wonder that was trying to wake me back up. I've been stupid and...

I can fix me... I know I can do that much. I can do more.

Heresy: the new black.

I quit going to church and returned to a state of grace and bliss.

That coincides with skepticism in anything resembling a god, let alone a singular god.

But, as it turns out, I haven't quit being a Mormon. That takes more effort than simply saying "your church is dumb and I'm not wasting my time with it any more." Apparently there's some paperwork.

I'm not sure how much I feel like dealing with their crap in order to completely sever ties.

Because I'm being bothered about it as I type:
A friend of mine by the name of Lori has been having self-image issues owing to her husband calling her "fat". Now, you have to understand that she stands at 5'6" and weighs under 200.

Mr. Hawthorne, another acquaintence of mine, is a fan of the full-figured woman. He has been trying to consoul Lori by telling her that she does not need to undergo surgery and that she is an attractive young lady, which is true. Her losing weight is actually going to, in my opinion, decrease her attractiveness. Maybe it's because of all the emotional scarring I suffered at the hands of cheerleaders.

At any rate, Mr. Hawthorne is currently demanding that I type the following sentence:
"Mr. Hawthorne would kill, or die, to see Lori naked."