Many resources that have pointed out for me to deal with my issues have been within the LDS church, a church that... well, my recent history hasn't been sterling on many people's counts.
1) Pressure: I'm going to claim that, yes, there was pressure for me to join said church, but I generated it by attending every Sunday, watching people who seemed genuinely happy wander around the halls and remembering my youth and often feeling that way amongst family.
2) That small still voice: I'm not sure what it was, but I did feel something that said: "It's time. Join." That same voice told me that it needed to end, so I'm not sure what to make of that.
3) Hiding my efforts: Odd, I know, but no one actually saw me reading the BoM or anything. My prayers were kept completely confidential... that was probably stupid of me. If my wife knew I was making sincere efforts, she probably wouldn't have thought so little of me when I decided to drop out. Towards the end I was reading behind the stage curtain separating the priesthood meeting and the stage where the room holding my youngest was. It was probably the most intense period of reading I'd done in a while.
4) The hell: Later people would ask why I had joined, since I had clearly not been cut out for it from the beginning. Well, I joined because I'd felt that "ping" of desire that I assumed meant something. Why didn't people with doubts actually say something directly to me?
Why am I bringing this up now? Well, I feel that communication is going to be much more important in the future than I felt it was in the past. There was a point at which my wife and I only communicated via Blog, and then I stopped posting and stopped reading. Bad stuff happened. Maybe I can work backward through the process.
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I think I asked why you joined, because generally when one feels the "ping" it doesn't un"ping". So, I was curious if there was another reason. I believed you were ready and wanted to.
Further, you say you felt the voice telling you to "stop". That may have been a signal to stop living the lie of the dual existence. That I completely agree with. It appears for a time you chose the left over the right, but that was still your choice, and we as your family weren't about to begrudge your choice, even though our hearts were breaking by your choice, our anger was kindled by your cruelty and crassness, and even flippant snideness in the the removal of your chair from our eternal family.
I asked why you joined, not because I doubt the man you have always been, but because it made no sense to take upon yourself covenants that months later you just seemed to mock us with. As Jack said in a previous post, you were already an accepted part of our family, membership was never a requirement. But to reject something we all value so sacredly with the cruelty of dressing in white the next day to take your wife to the church where only a week or two before you sat beside her to renew your covenants. That I didn't get. It was so sudden, I did yes, have questions as to the sincerity of your original actions and choices, and it will take a long time for me to be confident in a choice made in that direction by you again.
I think I was more upset by the whole "mountain blizzard" experience. We were all there struggling until we nearly fell faint to get to the temple sealing and to get to your baptism, and we made it. I leaned on your testimony, of "I know he's trying to stop this, but it will all be ok because this is right." Those words you told me in Green River or Salina, one of those times helped quiet me when I was so frightened. It made me question my faith if you could just walk away as if it meant nothing without even telling us you were struggling. I understand now it was because of your addiction, and your own shame and pride, and a desire to indulge without feeling like a hypocrite. I imagine that it was freeing, to lay one life down to pick up another unencumbered.
The question I have now is...Do you believe? Do you really believe? No more pretending, no more fake-it-till-you-make-it, and then not, Don't make a solitary move you don't absolutely mean. I think anyone is capable of "being cut out for church", and you are absolutely worth it.
As far as the ARP, members and nonmembers alike have access to this program.
Of course this is just my opinion and two cents. Take to heart what you will, disregard what doesn't ring true. I'm not you, and don't pretend to know your heart and motives.
I just really care about you and want you to be ok, and happy again.
It sounds like you're still not quite getting it. Sylvia's right, it's not a matter of being "cut out for it"; it was a matter of whether you actually believed. And it didn't really seem that you did, so many of us (and yes, I have brought this up before, naming names and incidents) asked over and over, "Are you sure? Do you really believe? Do you really mean it?" You kept insisting you did. You promised to do certain things, and then you didn't follow through. The stuff you've named here that you were doing in secret doesn't represent the half of what should have been happening.
And you're right, better communication would have really helped. And still can. Please try to communicate with me outside the blog world, too, OK? I'm here waiting for you to do just that; I've been waiting a long time.
If you would like to talk to people who have had similar experiences, check out this site:
https://www.postmormon.org
Post-Mormons are members of a rapidly growing community of families and individuals who have voluntarily left Mormonism. We choose to no longer base our lives, and the lives of our children, on "truths" dictated by others. We believe that truth is freely available to any honest, diligent seeker regardless of creed, age, race or sexual orientation.
We have felt the butterfly’s metamorphosis. Forces that well up from within have compelled us to grow beyond the limits of Mormonism. And so we have become a loosely knit community of friends and support groups, and endeavor to help those like us who also feel the need to explore meaning, purpose and life beyond Mormonism. We celebrate the wonderful diversity of life as we experience as fully as we can our physical and cultural reality. We perceive ourselves as part of a human tapestry that is rich beyond our ability to comprehend, and wonder at this miracle. We have come to realize that there are more ways to do good, and be good, than we can number. What we once perceived as the “strait and narrow way” has broadened to include all ways that promote individual and collective well-being.
We do not apologize for our inability to fully understand reality or the nature of our own existence. As Albert Einstein said:
"The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the source of all true art and all science. He to whom this emotion is a stranger, who can no longer pause to wonder and stand rapt in awe, is as good as dead: his eyes are closed."
Some ask if we are anti-Mormon. Our answer is, no, we are not. We feel we are not because we acknowledge and want to keep all the good that came into our lives through Mormonism. We feel we are not because it's not our purpose to encourage people to leave the Church. We feel we are not because many of our family and friends are Mormons and we certainly are not anti-family and friends. But as an organization, we are open about the Church's misrepresentations and the way in which its dogmatism and authoritarianism have proven detrimental to many individuals, families, and communities. As Winston Churchill once said, "Criticism may not be agreeable, but it is necessary. It fulfills the same function as pain in the human body. It calls attention to an unhealthy state of things."
We do not advocate another form of Mormonism or any other religion and believe that loving one's neighbor begins with giving up the claim to have special access to truth. We feel that arrogance attends the illusion of “knowing the truth” and that such arrogance leads to a narrow-minded tribalism that impedes personal growth and fosters a divided community. Some of us identify ourselves as atheistic or agnostic and others choose to continue their spiritual journey through more traditional religious means. We respect this choice as we do that of the well-informed among our family and friends who choose to remain traditional Mormons. We feel sad for those who choose ignorance of any kind and strongly disagree with the few within Mormonism who encourage ignorance and spread misinformation.
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