Sim-stupid

I had to think for a moment about what to title this. "The Sims" and its... sequel(?) have seen much success. The number of Sim sites I've seen cannot be reckoned by the mortal mind. So it follows that I've seen "Sim-sational!" about that often, followed by a host of other, equally inane, exclamations.

I purchased "The Sims 2" expansion ("University") for my wife... really. She's been hurting for a while and I thought it'd be nice to give her something to look forward to.

Only it wouldn't install. I cleaned, rinsed, spun, breathed, and possibly threatened damage. Kind of like the scene in "Dune" with the rock.

And hear I am without a wierding module. Frick.

So I head on down to the local dispensary of all things... Super Wal-Mart. It happens to be conveniently located, so, to make up for it, they try to personally inconvenience you.

I enter at 10:00 pm, with one intent... exchange one box for another (alright! I also wanted Root Beer and Doritos). I went directly to the customer service where, I swear, a hunchback with pinkeye told me to get the stuff I needed and he'd tell the cashiers to be ready for me.

Right.

I go back, grab the essentials (Sims expansion, Root Beer, and Doritos) and head for check-out. It's 10:12 by the register clock.

Clerk: "What's wrong with this one," she asks as she holds up the original box.
Me: "It doesn't work. We tried to run it and it didn't install. I think there's some surface flaw on the disk."
Clerk: "But this hasn't been opened," she's looking at the box intently now, "how could you know about a surface flaw if you haven't seen it?"

Now, I have to admit that I did a pretty good job of opening it with no damage to box or tape, but rare are the moments when someone says "I opened it," without meaning it, and most of the staff there knows me (save the hunchback, who's probably too busy ringing the bells to deal with me). I'm stunned.

Me: "I've opened it."
Clerk 1 (Since she's called over a manager, the hunchback, and 2 other clerks): "Look at this... the tape would be torn, right? This hasn't been opened."
Manager: "I don't think this has been opened."
Hunchback: "I thought he was trading it for the DVD version."

Everyone pauses to discuss this new development, before an act of God (aka me) makes them realize that there is no DVD version.

Me: "Would you like me to demonstrate my opening technique to you?" I'm feeling kinda snotty about now, but I figure that this might smooth things out.
Clerk 2: "That won't be necessary," she snorts. Suddenly I feel like I'm being accused.
Hunchback: "Did your wife open this?"
Me: "I opened this."
Hunchback: "Maybe you could call her and clear this mess up."

I don't know which side of the mental spectrum the hunchback is on at this point. He's either using the Dilbert absurd logic strategy or he's sexist and retarded.

"Sure."

I call my wife. The beauty of this is that they can't tell what she's saying, only me. But they're all standing right there over my shoulder.

Me: "Hey, Sweetheart? Yeah. I'm at Wal-Mart, and they want to know if you opened the box."
Her: "Ummm... No. You did."
Me: "Well, that's all they wanted to know. See you in a few."

I turn around to the expectant crowd. "Yes. She opened the box. There's a scratch on disk 1."

Everyone breaks into smiles... of course! The manager takes me to the side with the merchandise to be exchanged, "that's all we wanted to know," she explains. "If it's damaged, we can't reshelve it."

There's a mental shift that I've not seen the like of since working for the military.

I smile alot and take my merchandise out of there, praying that it installs this time. Time by the clock in the car: 11:42. But it's off an hour. Some day I'll get around to adjusting to daylight savings... or I'll move to Arizona.

But not today. It installed and I get to torment Sims on a whole 'nother level.

Sim-sational.