You may already be a winner...

A few days back I went out to the mailbox, not an unusual circumstance, fetched the mail, and drew back into my cave while keeping an eye open for potential snipers.

Once inside I activated my security system and set about looking at the mail.

"Bill... bill... bill... trash... trash... what the...?"

Of all the things that it could be, it could be only one.

A chain letter.

I laughed, "get a load of this!"

The details involve a "Christian prayer rug" that makes it look like Jesus is blinking. This miracle will cause my house to be blessed, as long as I send some complete strangers the addresses of two friends in order that they be hassled with the same crud. Or have the info sold to marketing firms.

The letter, and I'm liberally quoting and commenting, goes something like this:

"Read what GOD IS DOING here at Saint Matthew's Churches."

I'm thinking he's laughing his butt off, but I'll read on.

"People just like you..."

I'm going to go off into the wild blue for a moment. Way back in Vietnam they had this thing called the Draft. The Draft Board would send letters beginning with the lovely phrase, "you have been selected by your friends and neighbors..." My father had received one of these letters and wrote back: "I've moved, and reevaluated my friends."

At any rate, I'm thinking that whoever they're writing to... they aren't like me.

"receiving so many blessings..."

But all of them have to do with materialism, and getting something for nothing (except prayer), which isn't the way I think the universe should work.

"WE FEEL THAT SOMETHING VERY WONDERFUL IS TRYING TO COME TO YOU."

Maybe a shift key, or control key. Something to turn off the caps lock and bold.

"go into a room where you can be alone (just God and you)."

I've just renamed my right hand "God."

"Try to be by yourself when you kneel on this Holy Ghost."

WTF? Isn't kneeling on one of the trinity sacrilege or something? You'd think that "Saint Matthew's Churches" would be more alert to that kind of thing. Oh, the envelope says they're located in Tulsa, Oklahoma. That's the same place a 900 foot Jesus was seen. Coincidence?

"we, as a very old (54 years) church,"

At least they stayed off the shift key for this one, but I can name about 50 or so churches that easily are older than that. Heck, in Europe those things are all over the place.

"Check your prayer needs on page two"

This is the great stuff. I mean, shouldn't God simply send out forms with your needs on it? Doesn't it make sense that God works through the postal system much more effectively than through heartfelt prayers of people who know you?

"This power you and this church ministry are about to use works!"

Maybe it's me, but does randomly placing words in bold suggest anything but stupidity? The lack of proper word choice and the sentence structure is just beyond belief!

"Timing is very important to God."

I've always been under the impression that God is supposed to be Omniscient and Omnipotent. That means that timing is a pretty small blip on his radar.

"Yes, Lord Jesus, I do need YOUR financial blessings upon me and my family's finances!"

And any editorial help that can be given.

[in small print, on the back.]

"A BLESSING TO YOU FOR A LIFETIME, AS SOON AS WE RECEIVE THIS BACK FROM YOU*"
*with a small monetary donation."

Remember: God loves your money!