More of what I did

One of my many preoccupations is the wondering of why our relationship spiralled the way it did. Honestly, I'm not sure I see the problem beyond a feeling... a sensation of disconnect between me and my wife.

Eyes burn when you put bleach in them.

Maybe it's best that I do see my side of things. No one else is going to. So, we trace everything back to the beginning and we may, maybe, see a common element: the LDS church.

This statement is not made out of malice, and I want the reader to continue reading in order to get the full gist of what I'm saying. I love my wife, and I regard the LDS church as being a part of what she is. That culture was central when she was growing up, and I certainly don't want to take her childhood away.

Charlie takes a long look at his walls and shelves: games and movies.

But I've rarely felt comfortable in that kind of setting. When I first attended it felt completely optional. If I didn't go it... well, that never came up. Once I started attending, I kept going. I could share it with my wife.

Incidentally, the phrase "not ready for it" is insulting and hurtful.

But we didn't really talk about it. The faith and why people in general might disagree. My wife seemed inclined to believe that any truly intelligent person would eventually see it. She actually said this on a few occassions, but it's not really Tito to what I'm talking about. So, unless I opposed my wife, not the church, nothing contradicted the LDS church in our household.

And so it went for about seven years, with my wife becoming more involved in something I just wasn't willing to absorb. I get many of the cultural aspects (Jell-o, for instance, is regarded as a salad: weird), but the actual religion... not so much. So we were both drawing away from each other because we were not involved and not talking.

My wife has, during all of this, a clear social outlet: a regular group of human beings that she can commune with and feel like herself.

I had been discouraged from leaving home because, hey, we have kids and I need to be either working on my homework or taking care of the house. Any social contact I had was not regular and didn't last.

I'm going to take a moment to complain about something. I have people that I've known for longer than two minutes that I suggested could babysit our children. Hell, one of our neighbors I knew for something like two years before I suggested that they might babysit (they'd volunteered), but it always was a "no". Now, my wife could know someone all of about a week in the LDS church and they had the Charles Atlas seal of approval.

Hair pulling time.

Anyway, I look for things that show a problem we both had. I think it's healthiest to look at the relationship holistically.

So frickin' tired.

Still working on my two papers that are due tomorrow. I think I can manage one of them and get a postponement on the other, but I've a paper due on Monday that I really need to start working on.

The oldest has decided that he wants to start walking to school, and he's willing to do it for an hour a day. I worry about his motives, but it gets him out in the air for a little bit, and I can drive along his route and make sure he's okay.

You know what I want?

I spend much of my time trying to understand her point of view, to see myself as a villain.

I want her to flip that around. Maybe asking to see me as a hero is a bit much, but maybe just a human being. Not even a particularly bad human, just one that disagrees with her on a few philosophical points that we could discuss and iron out.

I doubt it'll happen. Hell, the woman scares me to the point where coherent thought isn't really going to happen, and I've NEVER won an argument with her. Even when I'm right and all I can do is shake my head when bad s#!+ starts happening.

We purchased a $3000 piano while our bills stacked up. That wasn't for me, folks.

'sfunny

I got really upset today. At my wife.

She sat there and gave me the words to hang myself with, knowing full well that I was scared of losing her and was likely to say whatever she seemed to want to hear. And she gutted me like a fish. Not even a particularly pleasant fish, for doing what she expected.

And now she's left me for it. Funny that a linguist and a geek are having communications issues, but that's mostly what it boils down to.

I think.

P.S. Her therapist recently suggested that maybe all of this wasn't that big a deal. When she mentioned this to me I drew in a breath and started praising Jesus. I swear it was like that kind of moment when people recognize the spirituality in the world and how beautiful it is.

And then she concluded with "are you frickin' crazy?" (directed at the therapist).

So, let's go over what I understand to be the issues:
Porn: I like naked female flesh, and my wife wasn't available for this. Actually, this one goes a bit deeper. She was/is in pain constantly. Try living with that. From the outside. You can't touch your spouse without feeling guilty. You can't kiss without wondering what misery you're adding to her life. Sex is really not an option. And yet, you are a human being. You have needs that enter that realm. The LDS church considers masturbation to be the source of hairy palms (or something. I'm not a big fan of the current president mostly for his stance regarding masturbation. The best argument any member of the church has is "one day you'll see we're right! Look at tobacco and alcohol... bad for you. This is the same way.")

Lying: This one is a little more complex, but I'd ask anyone that was interested in resolving this to think about one thing: motive.

I think religion is pretty central to her concerns, and I don't think that I'm getting her back. The best I can hope for is a slightly amicable parting. Still, I can dream...

Liar

So, my wife tells me that I lied when I entered the LDS church, and I pause for a moment before agreeing.

What's going through my head:
"I don't remember lying. I mean, sure I was doing things against the practices of the church, but it wasn't like I didn't know other members that were doing the same thing. It wasn't like I did it out of malice. I just figured it wasn't that big a deal. When I said I wasn't doing it, I wasn't. But it must be so, because it didn't work out. I must have known it wasn't going to work out, so I must've lied in order to get to the point I did."

It's a bit odd, I know, but I don't feel like I was lying. I had every intent of obeying the rules of the church insofar as anyone else I knew did. I suppose that it's more than lip service but less than optimal.

Screw it. I'm out now.

Since I'm up

I talked to my wife today and we talked about... stuff. Maybe it's me, but I was getting a very negative feel from her. It's difficult to place, but that one conversation tells me a few things about the future of our relationship:

She's really not interested in continuing with it. This is sometimes not the case, so I want to make it plain that this conversation specifically felt this way.

We... if we are to continue... no. I think this is something I better save for later.

She says that my lack of trust for her is a transference of some sort... that I'm projecting her inability to trust me onto her. I'd say that it's indicative of something that has been wrong with our relationship for a while as far as I was concerned, and may have something to do with my innate fear of her, which may be a result of jumping into a relationship with a dominant woman so soon after leaving a relationship with a dominant woman. There just might be something to the idea of transference, but it might not have to do with whether she can trust me or not.

This is today...

Kind of shocked that my wife hasn't commented here. I've been expecting her to poke her head in because I expect her to be getting a feed from my blog. At the very least, she might stop by.

No... that's probably a bit much to ask.

I've been working with the oldest on writing. He still doesn't want to do it, and is currently "looking for paper" which might well take him the rest of the night if I don't go get him.

Skipped class today to write a paper, and I still haven't gotten much done (although I managed to get some very needed sleep).

Choices

Some things I can't talk about.

No one wants to understand, so I sit on my thumbs and smile.

Waiting.

And then I do what I must.

Because I wasn't a member of a team. My team abandoned me in '99.

Why?

Confused

I never touched anyone that wasn't my wife. Not in that way. I thought I'd been clear about that, but apparently someone's confused.

Life

So, where am I?

Counseling. It goes well, I think, but I'm not talking about it outside of counseling, for reasons that are really only clear inside of counseling.

Living arrangements. Me and the oldest have got an apartment. He tried to run away recently and got scared, which triggered an avalanche of "help this poor family."

Communication. The only people I expect to read this blog are people that aren't interested in what I have to say. I'm just an appendage to someone they actually care about. At this point, I'm more like cancer.

Schoolwork. Not going the way I'd like, but it's recently gone in a direction that makes me giggle. >see "counseling"<

Family. I haven't seen my younger boys in far too long, and the pain is excruciating.

Bills/finances. My university is recommending that I declare bankruptcy and abandon ship. I'm not real anxious to do that, but we're pretty much *(&^'d. I can keep my head above water if it weren't for older bills that are dragging us down.

This blog is probably going to be a b!tchfest for a bit, and pretty irregular. I had intended on completely shutting it down, but I haven't.

Maybe it's because I believe that one person reads it that I care about.